I Loved You
by thanatopis
Summary: Lenalee is close to death she remembers her past.


She laid there, in her bed on the brink of death. Cold, pale, sad. Lenalee was twenty-three now. Her hair had become its regular length, like when she was sixteen years-old. Long, dark green, beautiful…

She laughed at the thought of dying so young. It was predicable though. She worked for the Black Order, fighting noahs and akumas day in and day out. Over the years her life became so predictable. It was so depressing…

How she got in this situation was even more so. She had been assigned to a mission to Paris, with now the twenty-two year old Allen Walker. A innocence had been reported for "acting up". When they both arrived they had the surprise of Tiki also being there. He was still twisted as ever. Cruel as ever…

Kicks and punches were dodged and thrown. The innocence was so close in reach. So close in having this terrible fight over. One more step into having this horrible war over.

_I just wanted to be normal…_

_I just wanted to live…_

It was so close into being hers. One more step and _Ugh- _She stopped moving. _Why?_ She thought. She felt warm liquid travel to her stomach and downwards. Then she felt pain. Oh did she feel it.

She clenched her stomach and noticed something odd. Something intruding her, something not supposes to be there. Lenalee quickly looked down to see a familiar hand sticking out of her. Tiki`s hand. She screamed. At the pain and at the horrifying situation she was in. She was never good with violence. _Never._

He chuckled. Tiki slowly releases his hand from her upper stomach. That action made her yell a blood curling scream. More blood spilled on the cold floor. The pain was horrible. It felt like thousands of tiny knifes sticking in her. Hundreds of insects eating her from the inside out. _Crawling_ in her. _Feasting_ in her.

He must have noticed without him she would have fell to the floor. So he wrapped his right hand around her wounded stomach and his left hand curling around her fragile neck. Like chocking her from behind.

His head rested in between her shoulder and her neck. From faraway it would have looked like a romantic embrace. "Bye bye Miss Butterfly. We part ways here. I, to go back to my master`s side. You…" He hesitated which made her more scared than she already was. "To the underworld." She could feel the smile in his words. She wanted to punch a hole in his head, but was too weak. "It's been a honor dancing with you."

With that he let her go, and she began to fall. Darkness clouded her vision. She landed hard on her own pool of blood. It was cold which didn't comfort her. Her eyes began to drift shut. In the background she heard her name being called out multiple times. "Lenalee! Lenalee! Lenalee!"

The thought of Tiki made Lenalee shiver under her thin covers._ Ow!_ It really hurt to do anything. On the way back to head quarters her wound became infected. It was nothing "natural" that the world had created. A noah had infected her. He had basically _killed_ her. So here she was awaiting her death. The science department tried to find a cure but could not. Her death was set in stone. That week had been hell for everyone. No one really acted the same.

The thoughts of her comrades flashed in her mind. Allen; his warm smile. Lavi; his humor. Her wonderful big brother; crazy but loving. She giggled. And regretted it later as her stomach ached.

Kanda…

The depressing but uplifting name. She longed to see him before her fate caught up to her. But he was gone. He had been gone for five long years. It all started when I told him that I loved him.

After that he stopped talking to her, he stopped looking at her, and stopped training with her. He was done with her. Lenalee had stayed in the safe confinements of her room crying asking what she did wrong or asking what was wrong with her. She didn't understand.

One night she had ran into him after hours. She was in her night gown, he was shirtless and his hair that was usually in a pony tail was down. She could have sworn that they spent an eternity looking at one another. His gaze never shifted or faltered from hers. She wanted to ask him so many questions. "Kanda I...I`m…what did I do wrong? I poured my heart out all to you." She found herself choking on her tears. She really didn't want to cry in front of him. It made her feel vonrible. He stood ther saying nothing with the same gaze.

"You could at least talk to me. I don't need your pity or whatever is in your eyes. I can never tell." More tears poured out of her eyes helplessly. This was so sad. "Out of all people I fell for you. You Kanda._ You._" Other than Lenalee`s cries it was completely quite. He gave her a meaningful look before walking towards his room still being as silent as before.

She gave out another sob. Still not caring for her feelings. "Why do you hate me?" The shuffle of footsteps stopped and Lenalee quickly turned around. "Lenalee the only things I care for are: soba, mugen, and meditating. Other things have no meaning to me." With that he walked off.

She remembered how gloomy she felt after that encounter. The next day she didn't leave her room once. She just cried.

Lying in her bed now, she felt like crying. She didn't have long. She wanted to see the man who had her heart for over twenty-three years. The man who made her miserable.

After days, his avoiding her got worse. He refused to go on missions with her. She was being treated like the new Allen. People notice the "space" between them and started to ask questions. Miranda was the first to ask Lenalee.

"Lenalee-chan did you and Kanda get into a fight?" Lenalee had been eating her breakfast. Pancakes and orange juice. Lenalee looked up and saw Miranda`s frowning face. She knew it was because of her.

_That's all I ever do. I make people worry._

"Miranda! Hi!" Lenalee tried to pull off a smile. It didn't work. Miranda just frown more. She knew she was faking. Lenalee`s face deteriated back to its frown. Miranda quietly sat down. "Not exacally." She replied.

_Actually what happened is that I told Kanda Yu that I loved him. It wasn't planned. I just did it. Not knowing how he would react…_

"Lenalee-chan you two should make up. I don't like seeing you like this." Miranda nodded to a certain sword holding, blue haired, samurai. And Lenalee followed her gaze. He sat there slurping his soba noodles. She admired him and how his hand held his chop sticks. And how his mouth moved…

Lenalee shook her head getting rid of such thoughts. Miranda looked at her curiously, which made Lenalee turn a shade of pink. Good thing Miranda`s innocence didn't invole reading minds. But, Lenalee wondered if it could fix her broken heart. It wasn't fair of Kanda to do this to her.

To wonder about what if, what could have been? Longing for his heart, his mind, his body.

He had made her quite the pervert. During long train rides she would think about him. Them in certain places. His room, a beach, a garden. She would imagine him whispering sweet nothings in her ear. Some would be secrets, his love and devotion for her, the parts of her body that aroused him. She imagined how he would make love to her.

She didn't picture him as the sweet type of lover. He would rip into her, shredding any innocence that remain and not apologize for it.

Lenalee reminisced about those painful days. Would her still be here if I had never said anything? She could never answer that question. Her mind flashed to when she had heard of Kanda`s departing. Her brother had, had a long night ahead of him and Lenalee thought it would have been nice if he had some tea. To quench his thirst, if he had one.

"Have you heard, Kanda`s being transferred to the Asian Branch. General Tiedoll requested it." Lenalee almost dropped her tray at the news. The rattling of the glass awoke her presence to her brother and Reever.

"Lenalee! Tea! For Me! You're so kind!" She faked a smile. Still not believing what she heard to she asked her brother. "Komui what did you say about Kanda just know?" He waved her off. "Its nothing my dear sister needs to worry about. Kanda`s just moving that's all." Her heart started to ache. "Moving? Is it for a short time or is he…" Komui turned to his sister suspiciously. "It's just a question. Kanda`s a good friend. I want to know." He sat back down at his desk setting his tea on one of his many piled up books.

"Tiedoll asked for his transfer. He going to be living there from now on Lenalee." In a flash her aching heart was broken. Kanda`s moving… Kanda`s not going to be here anymore… I'm not going to be near him…

"When is he moving?" She forced the words out of her mouth. "Tomorrow he`s-"with that Lenalee dropped her tray and left her brother and Reever. She jetted towards Kanda`s room.

_How could he not tell me he was moving?! Did he just think that he could just leave me and me be alright?! Well he`s wrong if he thinks yes._

She reached his door and knocked frantically. "Kanda!"

Kanda`s door opened suddenly, emitting a breeze from the door. He glared at her for disturbing his sanctuary. "Why the hell did you not tell me you where moving to the Asian Branch?!" His eyes widened in surprise. He grabbed her arm and pulled her into his room so that no one else heard there little conversation.

"How did you find out?" He said as he closed his door irritated. Lenalee quickly realized that she was in _Kanda`s _room _alone _with him half naked. Her train fantasies came back to her. Their bodies in a tight embrace rocking together in unison. Her delicate hand in his. Their bodies covered by white silk sheets. A beautiful picture.

She felt herself grow hot.

_Not here Lenalee. Not here._

"It doesn't matter. Kanda why didn't you say anything to me? You know how I…" She trailed off. _He doesn't care. He never has._ The pain in her heart was unbearable. It felt like it was being ripped from her chest over and over and over…

"Is it because of me?" She cried out. She felt his gaze on her, she was to nervous to match it.

_I can't look at you._

_I just can't._

"No its not you. Having me move is better for the Order. It makes sense." Her sobs lessened. "Now if you please, I have a big day ahead of me tomorrow. I would like to get some sleep." He walked past her again. Still not caring about her feelings, still not caring about how she cared about him, still not caring about how much he hurt her already. It pissed her off.

Lenalee reached out and forcefully grabbed his arm and yanked him back. He didn't flinch or push her away from him. He took it like he knew it had been coming.

"Listen you selfless jerk. I told you something a couple of days ago that was personal and from the heart. And you shooed it away like it was a fly in your face. You can hate me I don't care, but you don't have to be a jerk." Kanda didn't give an annoyed remark or jerk his hand away. "I've never hated you." Her grip loosened. That was the nicest thing he had said to her in forever.

"Then why are you doing this to me? You know how I feel about you." She let go of his arm and placed her hand on his cheek. He stiffened a little but she didn't care.

"Kanda I love you." His eyes locked on to hers and his gaze softened.

"It can never happen Lenalee. Your better than me. You`ll go do better things than me. You`ll fall in love with someone better than me. He gently removed her hand from his cheek. A sound that Lenalee didn't recognize came out of her throat. "You don't get it. I'm not better than you. I won't go and do better things. And I'm not going to fall in love with anyone else. I love you. I always have."

"Lenalee you should go." He walked towards his bed and sat on the end of it. She was so tired of him pushing her away. She walked up to him and grabbed his face and kissed him.

Lenalee had felt butterflies in her stomach all the way to her toes. His lips where so soft. She parted from him slowly feeling every inch of his mouth being separated from hers. "Kanda. What do you want?" She looked down at him, intertwining her fingers around the back of his neck.

She looked down at him to see him a couple shades of pink and shocked out of his mind. She giggled. "Well?"

"Lenalee whatever we do, it's only for tonight. Whatever I say, it's only for tonight. Whatever I feel, it's only for tonight." He made that statement more about himself than her.

_Thank you._

She nodded in agreement and dipped her head slowly capturing his lips again. This time he took control. She felt more in his kiss than anything. His sadness, his wanting, his rage, his pent up longing for her. The kiss was up in flames. Clothes had come off. Touching…

Lenalee had been wrong about him. He was a sweet lover. She wrapped herself around him and whispered how much she loved him and for how long. The body parts that she admired. And how she would still love and miss him after he was gone. He had moved faster in her to shut her up when the topic escaped her lips. And she didn't bring it up again.

The next morning Lenalee woke up to a Kandaless bed. She wrapped herself more into the covers that being the only thing of him that she had. She stayed the whole day just wanting to remember the beautiful night they had shared before.

Lenalee flashed out of that memory. It being too hard to watch. Her chest ached. Death was coming closer.

_Five…_

She had loved her life and hated it at the same time.

_Four…_

I still long to see you even after all the heartbreak you put me though.

_Three…_

I still want to see you.

_Two…_

I love you.

_One…_

Lenalee, age twenty-three. Loyal friend, sister, and lover died.

* * *

I loved you; and perhaps I love you still,

The flame perhaps is not extinguished yet;

It burns so quietly in my soul,

No longer should you feel distressed by it.

Silently and hopelessly I loved you,

At times to jealous and at times to shy.

God grant you find another who will love you

As tenderly and truthfully as I.


End file.
